I am thankful for you

Loves, 

During the first week of school, I could feel my life changing. I was excited it was Friday, but not counting down the minutes. I said, “Have a great weekend!” to coworkers, but it was cheerful. I needed the rest but was energized to have a couple days to explore Austin. I wasn't collapsing on the couch. School is fun and minimally stressful. If there are stresses, I have the capacity to deal with them. We go to chapel every day. The first week, I almost cried happy tears. This was a place where children are loved, cherished, safe, and where they believe in themselves.

During chapel, students at Trinity sing about a place where they can grow and change the world. And they actually believe that is true. 

They actually have a chance to grow, build confidence, and learn. If a student experiences a setback, the community is there to surround them and help them up. An empathetic friend or teacher is there always saying positive things and redirecting in a positive way. If I have a rough morning, it doesn’t set the tone for the whole day. All the other support I receive makes it go away. 

If my low-income Chicago students were somehow transplanted in this community, friends, they would thrive. My heart hurts for them and I miss them and wish I would have had the metacognition to love them from the place I am now. 

The fun is back in teaching. If a child is bouncy or just not listening, that is embraced. Teachers have the capacity and patience to deal with it in a kind way. I have the capacity to joke and develop relationships with students that redirect behavior in a silly-fun-loving-kid-friendly way. 

I am looking forward to seeing my friends and family over this Thanksgiving Break, but not desperately counting down the days. When coworkers said, “Have a great break!” It was cheerful. It wasn’t about me desperately needing time off because I was going to get sick or physically/mentally/emotionally was about to break down 

I am me again. I’m playing basketball in a league. I’m playing basketball with my students at recess. I’m coaching 4th grade girls basketball. I have coworkers I trust and who truly support me. 

I am going out on REALLY GOOD dates. A full Alamo Draft house experience and another for

queso and to a local bookstore. To outdoor patios with those lovely porch lights and to rooftops overlooking the skyline. In fact, I went on more dates in my first couple months in Austin than I did all last year. 

I’m WRITING. I went to meet a picture book author (Alexandra Penafold) and to a Write Away Day at the Writing Barn, a beautiful city-central-but-getaway venue. Stacks of picture books lined the walls and it stirred my heart, that deepest place where our passions and emotions lie. I wrote poetry and entered an essay contest. It doesn’t matter if I win, IT FEEDS MY SOUL.

I go out to a bar with a Detroit Lions watch group every Sunday to watch the Lions (lose). Sometimes I’m inclined to to socialize, others not. But it’s so fun to be with my ✋🏻people!  

While still “feeling things out”, I went to church for the community aspect. Chrysta, a college friend, has truly loved me into her and Barrett’s church community. 

I joined a gym, ohhh lordy. But hear me out.  I have time to go. It has a basketball court where I can practice. Sometimes The Guys ask me to play! 😂 I’m more active. I can go to spin class on Saturday mornings and my women’s craft beer group happy hour on first Tuesdays and not worry about grading papers. I have an excuse to explore the Barton Creek Greenbelt, Lady Bird Lake Trail, Mount Bonnell, Zilker Park, McKinney Falls State Park, Walnut Creek Trail, and so many more trails and green spaces. 

I feel like I’m on my own and it’s liberating. I am on my own and it’s scary. I am missing connections I’ve built over 9 years of living in Chicago. 

I have a new outlook on life. I am realizing how much humans need each other. I love the past and the present is satisfactory and the future is invigorating. My most current goal is to be able to afford two pugs, and I will name them Macy and Samson. 

At the end of the day, it’s just me. I am making my own decisions. Friends and coworkers come and go, relationships, too. And I’m okay with that. I am enough.

My friends and acquaintances, and family, my coworkers and teachers, I am truly grateful for you. I love who you are and your struggles and wins. We are better, more vulnerable people if we share with each other.

Xoxoxo Rachel

PS Teacher friends, Education.com gave me this cute winter worksheet to pass on to you!. I know in the days leading up to holiday breaks it can be fun to take a brain break to do some of these with your students. Warm up reading skills with this fun winter word search! Be sure to check Education.com for more great reading activities! 

Warm up reading skills with this fun winter word search! Be sure to check Education.com for more great reading activities! 

The school year in review...and new beginnings!

I'M MOVIN' TO AUSTIN, TEXAS Y'ALL, where I'll be teaching in a private school. I will miss Chicago, but after nearly ten years, I am ready for change!!

I'm writing to release myself from a stressful school year and to prepare for a new chapter, personally and professionally. After rereading my thoughts on this year, it made total sense why I needed a move...and a vacation.

A few disclaimers. I realize not all public schools are the same. I write to process my unique experience and to reflect on this flawed education system and how I can continue to be part of the solution for making it better. Also, not all students were cruel. I had brilliant, kind students as well. Many, if not all of my students faced trauma and their behaviors were a result of difficulties at home. The school needed 9 counselors, not 9 security guards.

I was hired as a 5th grade literacy teacher. Before school started, they switched me to 5th grade math. At winter break they switched me to 4th grade self-contained, or both literacy and math. Changes happened all the time, and I was concerned for the students. They needed stability.

I wrote notes on my iPhone after school because I could barely process incidents while they were happening:

Me: Good Morning, KT! How are you today?
KT: Shut up talking to me you dumb b*tch.

This was a Typical Tuesday in my teacher life at CPS, and I was clearly not cut out for this school. Here's more:

Caught them in a studious moment.

I can only see so many crumpled notes on the floor with “F*ck Ms. Talen” written on them. I can only be called terrible names so many times. I can only handle so many parents threatening to call the police on me if I text them one more time about their child’s behavior. "Please, let the police come and remove your child", I thought. I can only be cussed out by parents so many times. I can only break up so many physical fights before I get hurt, too.

I’m not cut out for being a teacher at this Chicago Public School. No one is, unless they are sacrificing the actual art of teaching for behavior management. I’m not a f*cking security guard. I’m not a social worker, entertainer, a babysitter, or prison warden. But because I teach in this setting, I must be all those and more. Every day I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. It is the definition of being “on empty”. There is nothing left for me to give and I don’t have any capacity or patience left to deal with everyday issues, like someone running late or me needing to get gas on the way to school. I can’t think. It’s called secondary trauma. Chewing gum is a trigger for me. I have so many new triggers. I lose my sh*t if I even hear an abnormal sound or even a whistle. I have no patience for jokes, laughing, or lightheartedness. 

I was dying inside. After school, I would crawl into the fetal position and cry, unable to move. Sometimes I wouldn’t even go in the house. I would sit in the car for 15 or 20 minutes, simply admiring the silence and the absence of children. It astounds me how I can hate teaching when I'm so passionate about it.

I say all this not to be dramatic, but to be real. Chicago Public Schools teachers are tough b*tches.

In my isolated experience, students’ parents are drug dealers, users, deal with addiction, are uneducated and have too many kids to keep track. One parent wrote on an IEP request that her child was in 6th grade. He’s in 4th.

Students have gotten arrested and picked up by the police. My student, a 4th grader, physically assaulted his mother in front of school. Turns out she, too hits him at home. 

The conditions were unfathomable. Here's more from my notes:

The air conditioning in my classroom does not work. The windows are so hard to open and they slam shut so hard you could lose a finger. There are constantly ants, roaches, and mice roaming. My SmartBoard never worked, so I just use it to hang anchor charts. My doc cam is broken so I have to hold it in place with a book while writing. My school laptop will only turn on if connected to the charger. Only two electrical outlets in the room work. Only 6 Chromebooks out of a whole cart are fully functioning. Many have missing keys, hardware, or the mouse was messed up, the screen broken. Kids drop them like pencils.

I never have enough pencils. My classroom library had zero books to start and the ones I have now are trashed. I use them to prop the windows and door open, not to read. Students have stolen candy and every classroom supply from me under the sun.

One student called me a whore. One time students made whistling noises during a lesson. Every time I started to talk, he interrupted me. I addressed the behavior. Then I ignored it. I let it go on for a while, but he persisted. It's enough to make someone cry.

My classroom overlooked the parking lot. It was gray, bleak and we had a full view of the dumpsters. I preferred to just keep the window shades shut. A dark room seemed calmer for the students.

Let's talk about additional stresses. My pay rate would be based on how well my students did on their NWEA test. I had a student perform terribly, just to spite me. The same student lied on the phone saying I wouldn’t help him, that I didn’t give him any work, after I called his mother to explain how he was sword fighting during class with my meter stick (This actually would have been funny if these incidents didn't happen every day).

Then there's the time when the principal told me to boost failing student grades by giving them an extra "participation grade". Talk about a false sense of accomplishment!

That said, this population of students were really cool kids outside of the classroom. They were street smart. They didn't take sh*t from anybody and had no tolerance for fake people or liars. They were resilient, tough, and never backed down from a (non-school related) challenge.

In the business world, you get professional development. They pay for your meals when at conferences. They fly you. When I asked for a PD day to study for a certification test, my principal said it would have to be at school. Companies usually provide you with all the tools you need to be successful. I pay for everything myself--upwards of $600 just to get my classroom started. 

But you get summers off, you say!(No, we don't, for many reasons.). Don't you have a prep AND a lunch? Thanks for asking. I actually documented one of my typical prep/lunches, 11:15 am-1:00 pm:

11:10 Hand out the Dojo treat for students that earned 90 percent or higher

11:12 Get students quiet to line up and for the hallway.

11:14 Finally students are at a volume zero and I line them up.

11:15 Go to lockers. Students are not quiet so we do it again

11:20 wait in the lunch room until students have quieted down.

11:25 Take 4 students with me, 2 of which are being bullied, to keep them safe in my room during lunch and recess.

AND have at least one restorative conversation with a student that was misbehaving during the morning.

11:30 The 4 students eat lunch in my room. I shove food in my mouth. I let them play together on my work laptop since I share the Chromebook cart and the other teacher has it. 

12:00 Repeat lining up quietly process and take students to specials.

12:15 We are late to specials because of the transition.  I stay to make sure students transition smoothly. 

12:20 I talk with the counselor 30 minutes on behavior management and techniques. Then, I talk with a parent picking up my student after he had a rough morning. 

12:50 I make copies, hand out papers, and quickly review the lesson I will be teaching. This time is often taken up by cluster meetings with the academic supervisors or committee meetings.  

I didn't want to leave CPS. I fought it so hard and stuck out the year. I may have even scoffed at how people say teachers get burnt out after 5 years. "Not me, I'm passionate and tough", I thought. I didn't want to be a statistic. But this Austin school will be a healthy change, and I believe it will get me back to the art of teaching and creativity of it that I love so much. 

Hey! If you made it this far, you either feel really sorry for me or are a great friend, so thank you for listening. Also consider giving to my DonorsChoose project :) It was initially for my CPS students, but the new ones will benefit as well!