Back-to-school...as the teacher this time!

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt 

Hi, I'm Rachel and I'm a planner. I struggle with uncertainty and fear the things I cannot control. This year really threw me off. 

Working at Lab school was awesome. I had an amazing supervisor who was invested in the professional development of staff. My job as an aide for a little boy with autism turned into the most fulfilling work I've had thus far. He is my little buddy and he made so much progress this year. It was only supposed to be a few hours a week to make ends meet, but it evolved into part time and so much more.

I was supposed to move to Florida and I worked my ass off applying to schools, going to conferences, and flying to interviews. It felt like a failure to stay in Chicago when I so desperately was seeking change. I am such a planner that I decided it was too risky to go, so I stayed. And then I received an offer from a key school in Florida and several emails back with interest in pursuing the hiring process further. But it was too late for me.

To add insult to injury, I was still receiving rejection emails from Florida schools. Like one or two per day. Don't take things personally. I can hear Carol's words now (see below). Wtf is wrong with me? Anne Lamott would say this is my shitty first draft. I don't have enough experience. I'm a bad teacher. All my friends have jobs and I don't. I'm going to have to substitute teach again...blah blah blah.

Then all the hope came rushing back when a position at Lab school opened up. I went on last minute interviews and then was lined up for the position. They ended up hiring someone else on the spot. There I was, lying face down  on the arena floor. I tried to pick myself up, but this one stung. I went on 3 more interviews and received one offer. I needed about .01 seconds to decide to accept it. A 5th grade math position at a CPS turnaround school on the south side. That is about as cray as it gets, folks. I was ashamed. Like I said, I was more relieved for a job than celebratory.

During my summer nannying gig, I met the most wonderful woman while letting the girls splash around in the Crown Fountain. Carol sat next to me, and mentioned she was a teacher. She taught for 38 years-holy cow! She taught fifth grade (like I will). Naturally I asked if she had any advice. Without missing a beat, she said, "Here are the four things you need to know":

1. Be honest. Tell the truth. I took this as being vulnerable with students and not being afraid to show your humanity. It makes you more relateable. She said it's also about being honest with students about how they are doing.

2. Do your best. You will make mistakes, but you're not perfect, Carol said. Boy, do I know that to be true!

3. Don't make assumptions. This is a hard one for me. We make assumptions simply because we are human and trying to gather so much information. We end up grouping people because it's easier, but that doesn't make it right. I have my own ideas about what my class will be like and where my students come from, but their stories are so much richer and meaningful, and it's my job to know them.

4. Don't take things personally. Carol made me repeat this after her twice. I think I'm pretty good at this, but I do worry I will get worn down. As a teacher, you're constantly on display and it's wearing to always be patient with others.

Then Carol did something amazing. She patted me on the back and said "I am so thankful you got a job. Congratulations!"

It took me a second to figure out why I was taken aback by this. Then I realized she understood what I'd been through. She got me. We talked about how it was a teacher's market back in her day, but I was struggling to find a job, even with many diverse experiences. I told her about my excruciating application process and all the rejections. I hadn't even celebrated. Even if I'm not exactly at the type of school I want, I have worked very hard, and it is an accomplishment. I had been so busy comparing to other teachers in fancy schools, those with more experience, and so focused on not getting what I wanted, that I neglected to be grateful for my unique journey. 

In Rising Strong, Brené Brown talks about how to pick yourself up after a failure after you have dared greatly in the arena. In some ways I am still in the arena with this new teaching venture. In others, I am picking myself up from what seems like a failure. But Carol proved it wasn't a failure at all. It was a piece of my puzzle and part of my learning about resilience. And for that, I am truly grateful.  

Though I have had many teaching experiences, this is the first time I will have my own homeroom, and I am SO FREAKING READY. Happy back-to-school!!

PS I think 5-year-old me knew I wanted to be a teacher 20 years before I did!