Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it.
The offer to teach at Lab is the culmination of many experiences, applications, odd jobs and uncertainty this year, as I really didn't know what I would do or where I would be post student teaching in India. After subbing in charter, public, and private schools for a year, I realized (after wrestling with and challenging my longtime idea of teaching internationally and to low-income students) the private school setting is my best fit. Though a homeroom teacher position would be my ultimate goal, I am over the moon excited to start at Lab.
This summer I'll be a TA for Nature Detectives, a course offered at Summer Lab. I'm nerdy excited to explore the outdoors with 3rd grade, my favorite age group, and because science is my favorite subject to teach!
No one knows exactly how difficult and how wonderful it's been this year, living life not dictated by a schedule. It kind of felt like the slower pace of retirement, but undeserved without a lifetime of work, productivity and contributing to society. Without the backbone of a 9-5 (or let's be honest, for teachers it's more like 7-6), I was left all jiggly, with muscles and brains and had to figure out how to support myself.
I went to the gym and morning classes and I ran along the lake. I didn't worry about when I'd be back, just listened to how far my body wanted to take me. I even let myself get lost a couple times. Once, Jake the pup and I stumbled upon the Japanese Garden.
I finished my ESL endorsement. 40 hours of schoolwork per week for 3 months. I enjoyed reading and learning because I had time to read and learn.
I nannied for cuddly little Lincoln and watched as he rolled over, ate solid food, giggled, and grew over 3 months. He still remains the only human who will tolerate my singing. I babysat, and truly had fun with the kids, not worrying about what time the parents were coming home on a Sunday night because I needed to be in bed for work the next day. I took my time. I blogged for Twist OP because it was fun and because I got paid for it. I spent time with my feelings, which was really scary.
I cried because I wasn't working full-time and didn't feel productive and I cried because I was so happy I wasn't working full-time. I cried because I had to face who I truly was and how I really felt and what I really wanted in life. But I also laughed a lot, too. I think that means I embraced life's highs and lows, and sometimes both at once.
In my moments alone, I listened to my body and paid attention. I was diagnosed with mild ADD and actually had time to go to appointments and do health-related things.
I taught art and music and all subjects in between; I taught students with little faces and big faces, middle schoolers with lanky arms and kindergarteners who ask too many questions to substitute teachers. Now at least I know I don't want to teach kindergarten. I interviewed for jobs that I felt no pressure to accept...unless I felt that love connection deep down in my soul that it was right.
I wrote poetry for the first time in five years. It made my brain hurt, but it was the good kind of hurt. I got up early for not having to work. But not too early. I barely needed my iPhone alarm. I drank wine and got caught up in silly TV shows. I didn't need naps. Some days I didn't get out of my pajamas; some days I was running errands morning until night. PS, Grocery shopping and errand-running midday is 4829937483 times more enjoyable.
When I saw friends or visited family, I was fully present-not tired, stressed, or time-pressed. I enjoyed their company. I went on a few first (and last) dates and tried (not that hard) to put myself out there.
I went on more than 18 trips, national and international-Nashville, St. Paul, LA, DC, Detroit, Grand Rapids, up and down western Michigan's winery trail.
I went to India to student teach. It was dusty and tough, but the people are colorful, and hey, now I can cross that one off my list and at least I got to see the Taj Mahal. I toured the Scottish Highlands in the fall and the countryside of Ireland. I went to The Dominican for a friend's wedding and didn't worry about taking time off of work. Planning and executing my sister's bachelorette party to NOLA as her MOH and was a blast! #SwampSquad #AlmostStrandedInTheBayou
I balanced my budget, made ends meet and still ate pretty healthy. I spent less money and had fewer expenses but wasn't less happy.
It's hard to simplify, but I did it. I sold shoes and books on eBay and donated clothing. It's just stuff, anyway. I got used to the way I look without makeup. My Facebook friend count is down by 500.
I learned to cook, to care for Jake and Tabby, the best pets in the world, and earned their affection in return. Oh, and I learned how to run a household-it's really hard. Dishes, grocery store, cooking, walk the dog, dishes, vacuum, dishes, dishes. Dishes.
I was hungover every once in a while, and without consequence to my work. I explored churches, I explored Hyde Park. I stepped back from my faith and am slowly coming toward it again, allowing for the ups and downs that come with a God relationship, any relationship. I stepped back from friendships and acknowledged that some run their courses. I meditated on what these precious relationships had given me, that they met my needs when I so needed it. I thanked them for wonderful memories, grieved these losses, and then celebrated new additions to my life.
I bonded with Julie, a new and wonderful friend, who loved me and taught me important things, like to advocate for what I want in life. She listened, and I had time to talk. And her daughter, my surrogate little sister, Ellie. I got to be an older sister again and give advice, now tried and true because I'm a little older. I went on vacations, to Christmas parties and dinners. I became part of their family. My Chicago family.
At the end of the Year of Zen (doesn't that sound like it belongs in a Dr. Seuss book?) I finally learned how to be zen. Be your own kind of zen if you can. You can be more you, and that's what the world needs.
No comments:
Post a Comment