Love & Marriage

I have gathered "data" from several sources over the last couple months, and have found the concept of marriage here so fascinating. I always thought arranged marriages were a thing of the past, but they are indeed the way of life here.

Teacher 1 described this to me: Once a girl reaches her early to mid-twenties, her parents start talking to family friends and friends of friends to feel out if there are any potential suitors. They also have matrimonial websites where the parents can go online to find a match for their daughter. The parents will arrange a meeting at the girl's house. The families will sit in the front room and the girl will serve them tea. Then, the couple will sit in a room by themselves to talk, and the man will ask the woman questions about herself, like what are her hobbies, where did she do her studies, etc. It's very much about accomplishments and the family status. Males might look for a woman who is educated, maybe of a higher caste, can cook, has good manners, and can serve tea well.

In this teacher's experience, they only had 15 minutes in a room together to decide the REST OF THEIR LIVES. The man and his family will leave the house and say, "Ok, we will inform you later." This teacher did not ask the guy any questions and wasn't into it. A woman also may want to turn down at least one male suitor before she accepts. He called later to say he had rejected her. But his brother said, "No, the girl was nervous, give her another chance." So he called again and made an offer. Teacher 1 accepted, only because her parents wanted her to. 

At the time, he lived 4 hours away, and it is not acceptable to visit the guy's house until you are married. He could not visit her, because he had to work and the distance was too much. So they talked on the phone and texted for only 2 MONTHS before their wedding. She had not met the guy's mother until that day. Now they have been married 7 years and have 2 children. She says they are still learning to love each other. They call this "love after marriage." This woman has such amazing qualities (kind, intelligent, caring, SO hilarious, loves food, reading, etc), and it saddens me to think that her husband married her without falling in love with these qualities first.

Teacher 2 had a "love marriage," or love before marriage. This is extremely rare and forbidden, really. In love marriages, the couple is shunned from their families. They must run away together. Teacher was smiling and so happy talking about her husband, but said her family only recently acknowledged the marriage. She has been married for 14 years and has a 12-year-old daughter.

Teacher 3's experience is even sadder. I think the more common experience is that after an arranged marriage, the couple ends up hating each other. They are stuck, though, because divorce is not an option. It's absolutely off the table. Teacher 3 has been verbally abused by her husband. She has also been extremely rude and hateful toward him in reaction. But still, they must live a lie. They put on a front and have been forced to tolerate each other for 35 years. They are not friends and are unhappy, which affects all other aspects of their lives.

Teacher 4's story is much better. She did not want to get married and wanted to continue in her higher studies. However, after her arranged marriage, she is now totally (still) in love with her husband of 20+ years.

And sorry, singles! 30 is considered VERY old. By 35, you are a lost cause and your family will basically disown you.

Indian weddings are also fascinating. They are usually a three-day process and involve tons of money, guests, food, several outfit changes and many rituals. The male's family pays for all the guests to eat for 3 days, and to fly in any foreign guests.

Even after marriage Indians are rarely affectionate. A married couple may be sitting next to each other, but you would have no idea they even know each other!